Being what you might call an unfortunate combination of a “nervous flyer” (read “terrified and panicky”), and fairly frequent traveller, I have developed a number of coping mechanisms to get me through the stressful experience of airports and planes. One of these is a slightly OCD need to be at the airport 2 hours before the flight (I like even numbers, they keep me calm…) Because of this obsessive earliness, I find myself in the airport with not a lot to do, so what better way to spend the time (and distract myself from the impending flight) than share my airport thoughts with you lovely people of the inter-web.
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1. Please suitcase, don’t be overweight. I can’t afford to pay for your overindulgence. Okay, my overpacking. (Another coping mechanism – packing as much as possible means being super prepared. In a world where I am talking to my suitcase.)
2. They should have a strong, attractive man to lift said suitcase onto the belt for me. That would save the embarrassment of my weak arms, and make the whole experience much more pleasant.
3. If I had ‘dangerous items’ in my bag, do you really think I would tell you?
4. Excellent, a super long security queue. I bet all of these people are going on sunny holidays instead of half an hour away to more rain. Well jeal.
5. Or they’re all going to be on my flight.
6. Dear man in front of me: Why would you wait until you get to the front of the queue to start trying to fit your liquids into a bag that is clearly too small for all of them.
7. PS. You’re going to have problems when you can’t fit your suit bag into your little rucksack. They don’t like that.
8. Dear security man: Yes I have removed my laptop from my bag. It is right in front of you.
9. Yes I have removed my boots. They are also right in front of you.
10. Aaand there goes that one guy running for his life. This is why everyone should arrive 2 hours early.
11. Overhearing a snippet of conversation:
“… it’s a load of f***in’ dafties”
12. Definitely at the gate for Glasgow.